A Primer on Disagreeing: How Talking to Your Neighbor and Speaking to the Elephant(s) in the Room Can Strengthen Communities

On the evening of October 28, a vital space for reflection and dialogue was created on campus by the 25 community members who turned up to participate in Talk to Your Neighbor – Speaking to the Elephant in the Room*. The date, three weeks following the one-year anniversary of the attack on Israel by Hamas and eight days preceding the American presidential election, proved a particularly auspicious moment—one full of opportunity for learning and moving forward together. 

“We were really pleased with the turnout and the process allowed participants to better understand how their opinions on various topics not only impact their personal but also clinical lives,” says Samantha Hope who, along with Rachel Most, took the lead in bringing this program to the William James College community. The pair, both third-year doctoral students in Clinical Psychology, serve as co-leaders of the Jewish Student Alliance. 

“We were guided through how to have a difficult albeit constructive conversation rather than a chaotic argument,” says Most, pointing to an intentional approach including lecture, structured questions, and breakout groups to address a trio of topics: health insurance, politics, and the conflict in the Middle East.

A key to the event’s success came in the guise of facilitator Jazzalyn Livingston, National Program Director for One America Movement, a nonprofit whose mission is to support faith leaders and communities in building a united American society by eliminating toxic polarization.

 For those unfamiliar with the polarization term, here is a definition:

Polarity is simply defined as the state of having two opposite or contradictory aspects—and, let’s face it, some degree of polarization is typical. According to the nonprofit Peace Through Action, toxic polarization occurs when an individual or group expresses elevated levels of contempt for those with opposite beliefs and strong love for and attachment to the beliefs of one’s own group. In short, toxic polarization creates a state of intense opposition that can lead not only to irreconcilable differences but also to a belief that those with opposing views are the enemy. 

 As to the antidote? 

“Listening deeply, understanding the lived experience from which individual opinions stem, and effectively integrating the clinical skills we already have into this framework,” says Most of an ongoing challenge. In her experience, the past year has been full of “elephants” not being discussed in her classes or at her training site. She was struggling until she had a realization:

If clinicians-in-training can’t have difficult conversations with one another, how are they to have them with patients? This rhetorical line of questioning got Most thinking about a way forward.

“Developing healthy patterns within ourselves is the key to modeling this behavior for others,” she says.

“It’s important for folks from all walks of life to experience what a healthy, typically polarized conversation looks [and sounds] like—in schools and professional  settings—versus a conversation fueled by toxic polarity,” says Hope, underscoring that safe spaces, in which students can share their opinions, is especially important in a learning community like William James College.

As to the goal going forward? “The Jewish Student Alliance is just one of many on-campus organizations trying to facilitate the process of making students feel comfortable with their views during an incredibly heated time in our country,” says Hope. The event, which left her feeling more comfortable speaking her mind and being Jewish on campus, left an impression for Jewish students and their allies.

 “We’re feeling a little more empowered now,” says Hope, who emphasizes that while polarization is not ideal, it is naturally occurring in all environments—a fact not lost on the clinician-in-training.

“As students, we're learning how to navigate two different identities, the personal and the professional,” says Most who emphasizes where the real work lies: Learning how to show up authentically in any setting—in a way that communicates, I can be who I am and you can be who you are—unless doing so threatens someone’s safety, the single caveat discussed in the training.

“There is always a line, and it’s important to be able to recognize where that line is,” says Hope, who is quick to address how assuming where someone stands on an issue based upon their physical appearance is dangerous.

Borrowing from the values of One America Movement, Hope and Most have their collective sights set on challenging themselves and others in constructive ways with the goal of  creating an environment where all can be heard. In fact, research shows that people who look, think, worship, and vote differently from each other are strengthened when they work together; conversely, when we are sheltered from ideas or people that make us uncomfortable it results in weakness.

“It’s so important to be aware of your biases—and all the elephants in the nation, in the world—and how they affect how we show up in all the spaces we occupy,” says Hope, who sees this convening as a positive step in the right direction.

“Organizing further on-campus events, where community members can gain valuable communication skills for application in their everyday lives, is the next step,” says Most, who looks forward to addressing how this approach plays out in the therapy room.

In early November, during a team meeting at her practicum site, several of Most’s colleagues opened up about how their conversations with patients had been unfolding since the election. As to the consensus? Bring it up straight away.

 “After taking this approach, one patient actually said, ‘I’m so glad you asked me how I was doing, because I didn’t think I could talk about politics in these sessions,’” says Most, offering a real-time example of how making space for hard conversations is the way forward.

“We're just getting started making our footprint on campus,” says Hope, in a nod to the 22 current members of the JSA; to complement student efforts, there is a robust Jewish Affinity Group for faculty and staff. 

The JSA invites anyone interested in learning more about Jewish culture, identity and heritage—no matter their background—to join them as an ally. 

“We pride ourselves on being a diverse group of folks that might fall on different ends of the spectrum, especially in terms of the [Israel-Hamas] war, but that doesn't stop us from coming together and finding common ground,” says Most, sharing a sentiment with which her co-leader concurs. 

“We make up a small but mighty amount of people on campus,” says Hope who adds: “We look forward to evolving as the times change; it’s only going to be a growing experience from here.”

Keen on learning more? Check out these resources to better understand the topic of toxic polarity and how to combat it in our community. 

*The event was co-sponsored by the Jewish Student Alliance; the Rainbow Alliance; Mental Health and Chronic Illness Advocacy Network; Clinical ACES DEI Team; and the Dean of Students Office.

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